Question
We wanted some guidance about school and the best way to handle this. One of my daughter’s teachers is super organized, communicates in advance about deadlines or events; prefers kids to finish their work/projects in school and sends very little homework (hw is actually whatever the student could not finish in class), which is greatly appreciated.
On the other hand, from the interactions I had with her, reports from my daughter and from other moms (who hear from their kids) this teacher seems to have a very traditional approach with the kids. She doesn’t allow her students to “talk back”, meaning, when they try to explain or clarify a situation, i.e, tell their side of the story, teacher replies with, “no buts or you’ll get a conduct cut for talking back” or shames them in front of the class. For example, My daughter’s words were, “Mama, fulano and fulano did such a good job with their project, they put a lot of effort into it but just because they didn’t included these few things the teacher shouted at them in front of the whole class saying they would get an “F” but because she’s such a nice teacher, she’s going to give them another chance and they would have to redo it”. Another example, the teacher sent home a packet of math for my daughter to practice. She lost it. She was dreading to talk to the teacher because she knew she “would get in trouble”. I asked her to ask the teacher for another copy and explain she lost it and she’ll be more careful next time. My daughter told me after a few days “do you know how hard it was to talk to my teacher about that? I said I was sorry but I didn’t complete the work because I lost the pages.” The teacher responded: “I took time off my day, used my paper to make the copies for you and you lost it?” I realize this is not something towards my daughter, and that it’s the way this teacher handles her class. What I always encourage my daughter to do is to communicate with her teachers (and to anybody) as long as it is in a respectful and kind way. In fact I always tell her to remember she has a voice and she can use her voice with anybody as long as it’s in a respectful and kind manner but she told me: “you know Mamae how you always tell me I have a voice? Not with my Teacher. With her, I can’t use it.” I realize my life advice might be setting her up for failure in this case. How can I handle it better?
I would normally not hesitate to have a conversation with the teacher but I confess I am not really sure how to handle this, how to approach her or if I even should. I actually have approached her many times before in writing but never really got to have an exchange. I usually get short and direct responses. When there’s an issue with any of my kids in school, my first step is to talk to the teachers to try to understand what happens in class and I usually have a good exchange with all of them. I usually get the feeling we are working together. Not to mention that my daughter is terrified of me having a conversation with the teacher because she said another student’s mom talked to the teacher about a situation and the teacher called the student out in front of the class (“privately” by the teacher’s desk but talking loud; therefore, the whole class could hear). I want to do what I think is right, which is to have a conversation with the teacher, but don’t want to cause an uncomfortable situation in class for my daughter and honestly I don’t think it’ll go anywhere but of course I could be completely wrong. I also don’t want her to stop talking to us about what happens in school because she’s afraid of getting in trouble with the teacher. I was thinking I could talk to the school counselor first? With all that said, our position is to never diminish the teacher’s authority to my daughter. We help her go through her frustration, the feeling of not being heard, in a way that makes it easier for her to navigate the time she’s in class with the teacher. She is conscious of the way that the teacher operates and that it is not towards her. Our goal is to teach her that in life she will not get along with everybody and encounter people that are just not flexible.
Additionally from my daughter today… She was very matter of fact and didn’t express sadness about it : “I think she (teacher) gave up on me early. She gave up on all of us. She doesn’t care about us. We are just there to be robots, take information in and not ask anything too vibrant (that made me giggle and made me proud. I don’t think I’d have been able to express myself so well at her age). She continued, “I’m just glad the year is almost over and I won’t have this teacher next year”.
For context, this conversation was triggered because of some comments from the teacher on my daughter’s report card which are related to her 504 so not really sure why the need for the comments since their content is exactly the function of the 504. I’ve also heard from another mom whose kid is in my daughter’s class and also has a 504 of some actions from the teacher that go a bit against the 504.
Thanks again
Answer
This statement:
“I think she (teacher) gave up on me early. She gave up on all of us. She doesn’t care about us. We are just there to be robots, take information in and not ask anything too vibrant (that made me giggle and made me proud. I don’t think I’d have been able to express myself so well at her age). She continued “I’m just glad the year is almost over and I won’t have this teacher next year”.
Is proof that your daughter IS A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER...
What your daughter is learning is a powerful life skill, understanding when to move on from a relationship with a person who has shown us will not change or listen to us.
Unfortunately for her and for some of us as adults the person sometimes holds a place of authority. So the lesson for your daughter is to learn that there will be people in her life who will not change. The task at hand is to show them grace - by accepting this is who they are. She did that by saying "she doesn't care about us" AND then taking care of ourselves by managing the expectations of the person in authority in a way that keeps us being our most authentic self.
Your daughter has done that. She made mistakes but she knew she had to manage them on her own since the teacher has been clear "I don't help you"... Speaking up is not always the answer. Accepting and taking care of ourselves is at times the way to go.
Let her know that you are proud of her for understanding that her teacher has a strict way of managing her class. Let her know that she is right to say that speaking up would not change the teacher. Tell her that when she is older she would be able to quit the job or talk to HR when a person in authority is making the mistakes this teacher has made.
I do recommend sending ALL The information you gave me as well as your daughter's quote above to the Principal. MAKE sure to tell the principal the bit about her talking to the student about their parent's email in front of the classroom. It may not change anything but they need to know. You can also say that this is for them to handle internally and that you, like your daughter, do not need a meeting with a person who has shown time and again that they are not willing to change. If you'd like to write the email and then have the other parents sign it that they also feel this way, so the principal knows it is not a single incident or single parent. Take this out of the gossip space and into the "hey, we the parents need you to see the person you have in the classroom"
In the end this situation is a great BIG WIN for your daughter. Be proud of how well she has handled it.