Question
My 6 year old son has started to talk back. Before he was very compliant, but in the last few months, it’s all, ‘but why?’ and negotiations. I actually think he’s confused about the difference between regular conversation vs talk back. I’ve told him, when I tell you to do something, you need to do it, then you can ask why. He does have ADHD, so sometimes he genuinely wants to do something and forgets (I get that), but his ADHD also affects emotional regulation - he gets frustrated easily and has tantrums (this is hard for me). I can’t get stern with him without him thinking I’m yelling at him, then it results in a meltdown.
Here’s an example that brings all the questions together (I think!). Last night, I told him to turn down the TV, and I thought he didn’t. I asked him again, and he screamed at me, “I did!!!” Screaming really gets me upset (I try to breath and get myself calm, but it doesn’t always work). I told him he can’t yell at me like that. And he may have turned it down, but it wasn’t enough. I would’ve turned off the tv, but I was in the middle of cooking and I was alone with kids. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to his brother.
Answer
How to help him:
I absolutely love that you are aware that his "talking back" is not on purpose.
Yes, you are 100% correct. All kinder to second graders begin to set boundaries with adults BUT they do it poorly in their communication style.
Next time he sounds disrespectful say:
*Lets take a moment and stop talking.
*Did you mean to be disrespectful?
*Because the way you said that to me sounded disrespectful and mean.
*Try to say it again - if he gets stuck - which I imagine he will - you can help him find a different way of phrasing his message. He could have said, "Mommy, I did turn down the TV" and you can guide him to doing that.
In this way he begins to get lessons from his mistakes on how to speak to anyone when he is overwhelmed. Let's keep in mind that ALL of us, when we are overwhelmed with emotion, tend to speak poorly or communicate harshly. Hold that in mind when helping him.
How to deal with the WHY:
Pre-empt it...When you give him a prompt, start with the why before you give the direction. For example:
"It has been 3 hours since we last ate, so it's time for dinner, let's start cleaning up so we can eat and make our bodies strong with calories and nutrients"
In this example the WHY is ‘it has been 3 hours since we ate; we can eat and make our bodies strong with calories and nutrients’
Again, answering the WHY from our children is the adults responsibility to share.
Reason 586 why parenting is difficult. We should not just expect a child to follow your direction blindly. Answering the WHY is not only respectful, but a way to guide a citizen of the world and it builds his sense of self when we are clear on WHY we do what we do every day in the routine.