Question
I’m struggling with when/if ever to push/nudge my 4-yr-old son to learn about perseverance, problem-solving before quitting, and the difference between honoring commitments VS. taking care of yourself.
At the start of the new year, he began rotating into some new “lunch bunch” classes that his preschool was offering at this gymnasium next door to his preschool. The last two weeks I’ve received calls from one of his coaches, at their wits end, saying my son is running out of the gym, egging on a chase, and determined not to participate and they don’t know what to do. I received a call later that same day from his preschool teacher, who knew nothing of what had happened at the gym, letting me know that my son had pulled her aside before it was time to leave for this class, begging her to help him find a way to not go, saying that she could tell the next class that she needed him to help her clean up . As you know, my son is very bright and verbal for his age, but can become emotionally dysregulated (although thus far it had only been at home) and has some sensory issues we’re learning more about (ironically though, more of the sensory-seeking kind, not the too much sensory overload kind…so we thought). Because he’s so smart, I try to be careful accidentally planting any explanations or jumping to conclusions as to his whys, and instead gently probe during the calm moments over the course of a few days. I’m trying to understand what makes him not like this particular class and what triggers his fight or flight.
Here’s what I got from him over a few days:
1) I don't like the games they play because I never can win; they’re too tricky.
2) I hear all of these noises in the gym, but I don’t know what they are and it makes me feel scared (I discovered that they are 1 of 3 classes happening on the gym floor at the same time, divided by black curtains that roll, and one adult basketball section happening, a track upstairs, different folks running the bleachers for exercise—a loud madhouse)
3) I don’t like the kids in that class, they’re not nice and too loud, except for my 5 preschool classmates in there with me (I later learn from the coach that this class ballooned up to 18 kids and 2 Coaches, with a disproportionate number of 6-yr-olds, 5 sets of siblings, all of them had been together in this same class last semester, and all of them are his most rambunctious group—this class size is the largest my son has experienced to date. I’m thinking I would want to bounce too!
4) I like the coaches, but they are so big (they actually are like 6’4”). I like having girl teachers better. (We’re just a Mom and kid family and he’s mostly been around women.
I believe him that it’s probably all of these things making him run for the doors, but still wanted to gauge how serious of a potential sensory overload he was having and if that was the main driver, or if the main driver was not liking not being the best at something right away (which we know how he loathes feeling vulnerable), or if the main driver was a social conflict with some of the other kids, or if main driver is not feeling comfortable with these men because it’s unfamiliar and he hasn’t found a warm connection with them so feels like he has no one in his safety network with him, or now if he may feel embarrassed to go back after making such scenes.
It seems, based on which main driver it is or combination, that my parenting approach would be different, no?
He has another class that is in that same chaotic environment with one of the same coaches that he claims to like. When I ask why, he says because the class is smaller (there are 5 in that class) and I can block out all of that other stuff better (so he can adapt and use coping skills), making me wonder if it’s truly the overstimulation from those larger classes or is he having social conflicts in group play or is this older, more cliquey group exacerbating his feelings of inadequacy.
With the information I have, and the distress he’s experiencing, I’m guessing that I pull him out of that class to make him feel heard and supported, and wait until his self regulation improves to worry about whether he’s learning about perseverance?
What is the message to him?
I have told him how proud I am of him for talking to me and his teacher and for answering all of my questions so we could try to problem-solve this together. For what it’s worth, had I known there would be 18 kids in the class (he’s used to 12) and the amount of activity happening in the gym at the same time, I would have passed on it.
Answer
Your thorough and respectful investigation of what is happening for your little guy is powerful and exactly right.
That class of 18 is a perfect example of sensory overload and lack of a "safety network".
GET HIM OUT OF THERE, especially since he is so young.
Yes, self-regulation has to be built before we teach him about perseverance.
You gave him the perfect message. You let him know that you are proud and happy that he told you what was distressing him and that you will help.
All you would have to add now, not necessary but a bonus, is separate the parts of the class and how it "triggered" him to make him conscious of the triggers and to have a plan of action to do better next time.
For example:
Coaches are too big: Explain that in the future he would work on creating a relationship with coaches and teachers and then his "safety network" will feel available.
Too loud in the space: Tell him that is his auditory sense is getting overwhelmed and making his brain's alarm system go off. Tell him that can get better with his work with his OT and maybe next time the two of you can find ways to make his ears hurt less.
Just go down the list you wrote here and tell him why you imagine it all overwhelmed him and what you are currently doing to help him build up to be able to be in a big loud class in the future.