Question
My daughter's tantrums have become more frequent and intense (she just turned 4), and seem to be triggered by the most insignificant things: someone moved a box, or something is not in the right order, or the ponytail is bothering her. She will drop to the floor, scream, kick, and say “mama a la basura”, “don’t like you anymore”, “I want you to die”…. This can be at home or middle of the street or in any public space.
My mother is visiting while my husband is traveling and she has started labeling my daughter as a difficult child and telling me she doesn’t know how I can deal with her (which is incredibly unproductive). And now the nanny is also referring to my daughter as difficult.
I am honestly struggling with her. I want to be patient and let her feel the pain and discomfort so she builds immunity for real life but I may need a strong reminder of how to deal with these sudden and extreme tantrums triggered by the most insignificant setbacks so I prepare her well and protect myself.
Thanks!
Answer
First she is not difficult.
All of these examples represent emotional overwhelm and perhaps physical exhaustion.
You can’t control your moms opinions BUT the nanny does need a reframe on how to see her tantrums as learning to manage and handle emotion.
Remember this is the pattern
1- Label the feeling: you are disappointed
2- Bring her to her body: let’s take a moment to calm down
3- Silence: you get silent and settle your body and your nervous system NO matter what she says
4- Wait 9-20 minutes until she asks for hug and connection
5- Connect: in a hug, teach how how to handle the same situation next time
Do this consistently.
Also make sure she is:
Sleeping
Eating
Moving/ exercise
Daily