Question
I have several questions
1) One of my sons has a surgery coming up. He has very low tolerance for pain and just the thought of surgery terrifies him. What can I say or do to make him feel better?
2) My other son likes to play sometimes too rough and doing things that bother other kids. He thinks it’s a game until somebody gets mad and then he is sad because they got mad at him. It could be grabbing things, throwing something, making repetitive noises. It happens at school and his brother also loses his patience with him. I try talking to him and telling him if he would like somebody else to do that to him, and he says no, but it continues, what else should I do to help him?
3) My other son is not doing too well with reading comprehension which also affects math when he has math problems. Besides having him read more, are there other techniques that could help him? Should I remove sports so he has more time to study? Thank you!!
Answer
1. With your son and his surgery the most important way to respond to him is with a “YES and…”
This helps the child who is stuck on a feeling or negative self-talk see that their thought/feeling is correct AND there are other ways to see it as well.
For Example- He says I do not want to get a shot or get the surgery... You can respond with “Yes, of course you're scared buddy. Shots pinch the arm and all the adults will move quickly around you. But, I am here to help you. I will hug you while they give you the shot. You can ask the doctor questions and the surgery will help you feel better after it's done.
Don't say things like "no, you're okay" or "don't worry". These don't work because his body is on fight flight freeze mode and those words do not match his body signals of danger.
Also expect him to cry, to push back....all your responses need to be calm and loving, no matter what he does out of fear. STAY CALM.
2. Your other son is learning how to play and how to notice if others around him want to play this game. Teach him to ask first if the other child wants to rough house and play physically. This way all the children are aware of what they are signing up for. This you will continue to repeat and remind. Children that like to play rough and physically have a hard time finding other ways to play. If you tell him to stop, also give him and the other children an idea of what to do instead.
When you say, "no don’t do this..." it is important to give them a different idea.
For example, when you are asking them not to climb on the furniture because it is dangerous, you have to show them where climbing is safe. Young children can't come up with a new goal, they need guidance and redirection that is specific and similar to their original goal.
3. NO, definitely do not remove sports since it is important to make sure a child has a mix of things he is working hard to attain and things they excel at, this way there is balance for the child on activities that work their strengths and weaknesses.
When a student is falling behind on reading comprehension there could be several reasons:
1 - processing speed
2 - focus
3 - reading difference or delay
It is important to have this evaluated as soon as possible. It is better to get a person to tell you - “nothing here” than to wait and "make them read more" and then find out too late that there is something different going on.