question
I've heard you talk about tantrums and toddlers numerous times and it still amazes me how much I need to be reminded of this. So after the summer, it seems like my son’s tantrums (3.5yrs) have become more intense & he's become more demanding. He also doesn't really do what we ask him to do (which is usually very reasonable for a 3.5yr old). We offer help but he literally rolls his eyes and says "No". (Cracks me up) but still... He doesn't cooperate. How can I start turning this around?
Also, the tantrums have become longer and more intense. And he gets incredibly angry and frustrated when we say "No".
I've tried breathing, explaining the situation simply and the consequences and then saying "I love you" giving him a kiss and hug and being silent but he keeps demanding, insisting and crying way past 20 min. I've lost it several times and screamed. Eeven after I scream, which I do address with him and his brother, he still keeps going. That'll usually happen when he's overly tired and there seems to be no end in sight.
I feel like it will ease up a bit now with school starting and going back to our regular routine. But it is difficult. I'll just look at my husband in awe and he's like "What has Lina told you about this?"
answer
At bedtime retell the story of the day and the story of his tantrum. For example,
“Today you were very disappointed because you had to use the blue bowl instead of your favorite red one. You screamed and threw a plate. It was hard for you. I helped you by breathing and trying to calm your body. You asked for a hug and you felt better.
Remember you are working on feeling disappointed but not saying mean things or hurting, just breathing and calming your body first before you move or say anything.
You will keep practicing and Mommy will keep reminding you.”
This is a ‘repeat and remind' deal...not once, not 10 times...This is from now until 5.5 years old at least.
It will lessen but it won’t go away. Your son is building self-regulation skills and that is hard stuff to develop.
Search the group for the word ‘Tantrum’ and you'll see lots of other ways I have helped the group manage this common occurrence for humans that are 3yo.