Question:
Morning, as I mentioned before my daughter is quite the strong-willed little one. She’s very attached to me. I am looking for help in having my husband be part of the process so I can get a break. She screams “mommy, mommy, mommy” and will not let him put her to bed. I literally have done the nighttime routine for 2 1/2 years. If I’m home, she begs for me so it’s just easier to give in, but I want him to help.
Ideas? Besides leaving the house. I’ve tried hiding, I've tried making him part of the routine just sitting and reading with us. She even begs for her sister to tuck her in with me, just not dad.
Answer:
The only way for her to get used to Dad doing the bedtime routine is to make it a routine.
Create a visual week calendar. Put a picture of Dad with her on the days he will do bedtime and Mom with her on the days you will do bedtime. Every night, start the bedtime routine there. STICK TO THE SCHEDULE no matter how much she cries...you will do this for 3 weeks best case scenario, 3 months worst case scenario. The key is that you do not come to "save her"...because every time you have come to help or your husband has handed her to you, the message to her is "Daddy can't soothe you, only Mommy can". When you let the baby learn to soothe with another adult you give them the experience that more than one person can keep her safe and help her soothe.
The only way the above will work is if your husband can stay calm, and is loving with his response, no matter how much she screams and rejects him. She needs his nervous system to be as neutral as possible. If his heart rate is at 100+ beats per minute and her cries make his jaw and muscles tense AND he can't calm himself and then soothe her...then number 1 will not work.
Have a heart to heart with your spouse, a lot of times high reactive emotionally sensitive kids can pick up on the subtle cues of stress in a caregiver. It makes them anxious and nervous SO they opt for the caregiver that doesn't have a tense jaw and a heart rate of 100+ beats per minute.