Question:
Help. I just ran into an incredibly tough situation with a mama friend that brought me to tears yesterday. This friend and I live about 45 mins away but we talk every day and are very close. Several weeks ago, we got our girls together (her daughter is 1 year younger than mine) for the 2nd time ever. They played well at first, but then my daughter kept saying she was bored and got upset about something and ran away screaming. When her friend went to check on her she screamed at her and ran away and then they just left very abruptly and we never really talked about it. Yesterday, I asked my friend if she and her daughter wanted to join us at the pool this weekend and she said she didn’t think the girls played well together last time. I pressed on it to find out more and then she told me that the last playdate was a horrible experience for her and her daughter and that they don't want to have another play date with my daughter. It broke my heart. She said my daughter’s behavior felt out of control and that she doesn't want her daughter around that, knowing that my daughter has emotional dysregulation, and that her daughter specifically said she never wants to see my daughter again. She kept saying that our friendship is not based on our daughters and that they don't have to be friends, but I am extremely hurt that she couldn't see how amazing my daughter is 90% of the time and give her another chance. As close friends aren’t we supposed to love, honor, and respect each other's children for all their beauty and flaws? I am literally crying as I type this…
Answer:
Like all relationships, there is more than one way to look at the scenario. Your disappointment and loss is palpable. I am also assuming fear is also lurking within you since you understand that your daughter is still learning and changing and growing and those difficult interactions will most likely happen again.
Your friend had a hard choice to make. She either keeps the girls together and helps her daughter manage and understand your daughter and her dysregulation, or she keeps your daughter away from her daughter and does not go into the conversation or situation of having a playdate where there may be conflict and discomfort. She chose the latter. She kept it simple and, what I imagine, "safe" for her daughter. Many parents make this choice, "...going to keep the difficult and painful away from my child." The reason why parents make that varies, but in the end, most of the time parents make that choice because they don't know how to help their child through difficult emotions.
Don't take this personally, and as I write this I know that is easier said than done. It's hard to witness your child being rejected for a skill they have yet to learn.
This is an opportunity for you to continue to find families that match your way of seeing and being with the world. The families you have playdates with will be those who can love and understand that your daughter is in a process of growing and changing.
Also, your friend is not rejecting you, she is rejecting the "possible conflict" the girls will get into. She is protecting her daughter her way. Sleep on whether or not you wish to see her alone and maybe give her the opportunity to learn what you are going through. You can do that without having playdates and maybe she can grow in her thought process as well. You don't have to, but I encourage you to let your friend into your experience with her choice of setting a boundary and keeping the girls separate. I respect how she was able to set a boundary where she is telling you what she can and can't manage. But it's up to you, and if you choose to not see her that makes sense as well...