Question
My kids are always comparing what we do for them. I try to be as fair as I can but given their ages (4 and 7) they will never get the exact same things. I have tried to explain that to them, but they probably can’t see that because they keep complaining/ comparing. Any thoughts on how I should handle that?
For example, my 4yo complains that I am always with his 7yo brother, taking him to extracurricular activities or helping him with his homework. Because of the age difference, we can have a hard time with my 4yo sitting still for dinner or going to bed, he gets more attention (babied) than his 7yo brother, who sometimes gets upset. How should I be handling this?
And secondly, should my 4yo start doing extracurricular activities? I was waiting for him to be closer to 5. Thank you
Answer
This is perfectly normal and expected from children 8 and younger. They are very concrete and put their life experience into black and white buckets. You spending time with his brother in a black and white framework means "you love his brother more"
So what to do:
1. Stop trying to convince them that you love them - that gets you in the weeds and their brain will think you're a liar because you ARE spending more time with one of them and the comparison is correct.
2. Respond with a YES and....For example, "yes of course you feel like I love your brother more. You watched me spend the whole afternoon with him and you are feeling jealous and left out."
3. Now you can explain...."mommy has to help and support each of you in different ways. Your brother needs me for homework and after school activities. You need me for bed time and dinner time"
4. Give him a solution - "next time you see me with your brother and you feel sad and jealous remember this...." Then hug him, kiss him on his forehead and say "I love you even when I'm not with you or holding you or helping you. Feel this"...then kiss him again. Then tell him to close his eyes, without touching him tell him to bring the memory of what you just did into his mind..ask him if he could feel your love without you touching him. HE most likely will say yes but if he says no start this step over.
Respond with these 4 steps every single time they compare until their 8th birthday when this knowledge that they have to share you will be integrated....