Question
The kids were asking me the other day about dad not living in the house and us being separated. I told them the same thing I always say, that we are better people and parents this way. Then they asked who left first, if dad left first… I paused and just said what we had told them originally, that dad left to work in the construction of his building and then I told them that later on, with time, we both decided it was better to be separated. Regardless of who left or who is to blame I thought it was better to say it was both of our decisions. Later, it got me thinking if that was the best approach. I think they blame me for the whole thing so part of me wants to tell them exactly what happened.
Answer
You answered exactly as is expected for divorce, and to not hurt the children, or make them feel like they’re in between the two of you.
Telling them your side of the story will only cause them to feel like they have to be loyal to you and your pain and vice versa.
Putting children in this dance, where they feel as though they have to protect one of the parents causes them to create a rift in their relationship with their parents.
Children of all ages need to be able to love and create a connection with both their parents whenever possible. When people think that divorce hurts children, it is when the adults have made the children choose between one of the parents' hurt feelings or experiences. This is too much for children and it is not advisable.
The hurt feelings, and the lack of trust between the romantic couple is not the business of the children to analyze, criticize or manage. This creates a burden on the child.
From now, moving forward, always include yourself when you are communicating to your children any type of rift or miscommunication with your ex.
For example, you can say to them, “mom and dad decided to split up because we wanted to be better parents and better people in the world and we couldn’t do that if we were together. The decision was mutual. Who left first or who left second is not important for the big decision”.
This is an example of what to say when your ex has not communicated well about visitation, or an experience that you hope the children will have with their father. Again, an example of including yourself in the issue:
“Dad and I were not able to communicate and I am not able to answer your question of when dad will arrive. Dad and I will do a better job of communicating next time so I can have the best answers for you.”