Question:
Two questions related to my son. We have touched on some of it but both became more intense over the recent weeks.
1) Difficulty celebrating successes. Yesterday, my son had a swimming competition at school and he did great: won two races and two gold medals. When he left home for school in the morning he asked me not to cheer but I was not able to – I cheered big time for him. When he got home at the end of the day he started shouting from the door before seeing me “Please have a normal face and do not say anything to me”; when he saw the medals he threw them on the floor. I just hugged him, kissed him and said we were ALL proud. When he realized I had told Dad and grandparents he LOST it and started to shout and get violent with his sister (just because she is the smallest person in the room; this will be Q2). However, I also saw him comparing medals with his friends and looking at them proudly during the award ceremony. Also, when he got a good behavior award from school recently the teacher told me he went “Yes!” and said that he thought he would never get one. When he had a great show & tell a few weeks ago he told his friend “I do not like to celebrate my successes” – so he seems to be proud but has this extreme reaction when we celebrate it.
Given how different I am, I struggle to understand what he feels but I still want to respect him and not annoy him. How to show him I am proud, encourage him to continue to do well, but not annoy him?
2) Violence towards his sister: this has been getting worse. He gets very frustrated with a) her not wanting to share her toys; b) her 4yr old view of the world; c) the unfairness of what she wants (mummy all for her); etc. He has become stronger and more violent and hits her hard and says he wants to eat her, kill her, throw her in the bin, etc. No matter how much I repeat and remind him that we do not use violence to demonstrate our frustrations and that we do not do this he keeps getting worse at it. Should his behavior have consequences from us (i.e. time out or not have something he likes when he acts like this)? Should I be stricter with him? How can I get him to understand that he cannot do this to his sister and that violence is not accepted?
Answer:
1) Children that feel big, like your son, tend to avoid any emotion that seems overwhelming. Those emotions can include joy or pride, but what he seems to be protecting himself from is feeling embarrassed. It is not that he does not want to celebrate his success. He does not want the singled out attention, the ALL EYES on him, that creates the feeling of embarrassment. We all feel this way when we are being sung happy birthday or when a group of people tell us how great we have done. It is why so many people say "oh, it's not a big deal..." after being given a compliment. So, your son is just protecting himself from feeling embarrassed that everyone is staring and cheering at him. Ask him how he would like to be told that you are proud of him. One simple way to send the message and to celebrate him is to just hug him or touch him in those moments where he is receiving an award and ALL eyes are on him. BUT later, alone when no eyes are on him, let him know you are proud. There is no problem here, just his way of being in the world.
2)Continue to repeat and remind your daughter that any "consequence" will just prove to him that you love her more, in his subjective view, and make his behavior worse or hidden. In the moment, it is a quick, "hey, no matter how frustrated we are, we do not hurt others" then say something to your daughter about what she could have done differently as well. Make sure you help both of them manage the conflict. If she is being "4" and not making sense, then help her make sense. For example, he wants her to play a particular way, but she can't because she does not understand, so he screams at her. Then this is the pattern to help them:
Name both their goals: "you wanted your sister to follow the storyline, but she did not" "you wanted to throw the toy in the air and did not understand what your brother was asking you"
Give the rule: "It's not kind to ignore your brother" "we don't hit other people or say mean things to them no matter how frustrated or angry we are"
Tell them what they can do next time: "if your sister is not cooperating, walk away...." "when your brother is saying something, don't ignore him, tell him to explain...."
You do these three things AFTER everyone is calm.
The task here is to teach them how to manage conflict. Creating consequences without the lesson is not helpful and does not teach them the social skill they are seeking.