Question
My daughter is 9 and cries for absolutely everything, from morning to evening when she is at home. Is this normal at this age? Might it possibly be hormones, or should we worry?
Not really sure how to handle it…
Answer
At 9 crying and feeling overwhelmed most of the time is not developmentally normative.
When children 8.5 and older tend to blow up or cry in most scenarios it is a sign of a delay in the development of emotional tolerance. It is important to have her evaluated by a psychologist to see if she is anxious or depressed.
In the meantime, make sure her eating and sleep routine is healthy and consistent. At night, sit with her and do a night time narration of the day asking her about the worst part of her day, the best part of her day, what she is looking forward to and what she is feeling nervous about what is coming up.
In the moments when she is crying:
1. Tell her that the emotion is big and that you are going to try to calm your body and your mood so you can be ready to help her THEN stop talking and calm yourself down by breathing. Tighten and loosen your muscles - The idea is that your mood and nervous system needs to get calm. Talking for either of you will continue to escalate the mood, nervous system and behavior of the moment
2. She will most likely take 9 to 20 minutes to calm. She will probably say things or cry louder and bigger the first couple of times you stop talking but eventually she will know that you are waiting for the wave of emotion to pass. DO NOT RESPOND to anything when she is in the crying "big feeling" part of her response.
3. Once both of you are calm (9-20 minutes in) then say what you have been trying to say to help her.
You will repeat this multiple times. The above builds her emotional tolerance. Make sure to add 20 minutes to all your transitions in an effort to build time for this need.