Question
My 12yo had a basketball championship yesterday. The team won 1st place. It was exciting for all. Afterwards my son sent a picture of the trophy to his boys chat. Instead of getting a congrats or nice job, the boys on the chat typed negative things (ie. How does it feel to be carried, you suck… etc.) He is the youngest on the team. Others are 13, 14, and 15.
He told me when he sent the picture to his cousin, he responded “Nice”
I realize boys will be boys and mess around but I believe that negative talk affects my son. He really will not open up and I think the boys have taken it too far where they always talk like that. He says he tells them to stop and they don’t listen to him. Even others will make comments that seem like he is getting bullied.
My son continues to say those are his friends. My perspective is if they continue the negative talk then they really are not his friends. How to handle this situation when it seems like he can’t handle it?
Also, he shared that they had a mile run today in PE and one of the boys in the chat poured out all the water from my son's water bottle. He did not have any water to drink. The boy also pushed and scratched him today. My son told him that’s not cool and he just laughed. He insists on sitting with him at lunch and pesters him. I told my son if he does not stand up for himself he will continue. What is the best way to approach this situation?
Answer
"Boys will be boys" is one of those terms that culture throws around that we can all do a better job of managing and using less, or better yet, not at all.
It's not true. It's a stereotype. It excuses caregivers (teachers, coaches, parents) from really managing the scenario. This is not a boys will be boys scenario - this is young teens managing the dynamics of friendship and social skills. Seems like both of these boys are managing it poorly.
So, how can you help him:
1. Let him know that you respect his choice of friendships BUT that you are afraid that he is not managing the "teasing" in a way that "you think..." is appropriate THEN you can say "but I realize that's what I think, how do you see these friendships? What is the good and what is the bad?
If you do this then your son will be more willing to share. Most teens don't share about friends because they imagine that we will tell them to drop them, judge them or tell the parent of the other teen. If you ask him what HE thinks you help him practice the skill you want him to learn:
How to assess relationships and see if they are good for him or not.
2. Tell him that the incident with the water bottle is a matter of health and safety so he needs to find a way to tell the "friend" to cool off with his "jokes". Guide him on "how" to do this by telling him to find a moment where they are all relaxed and enjoying each other's company and to lightly tell him "hey, I don't enjoy the jokes and pranks like the one with the water bottle, cool off please"
Often we tell teens to address friends or other teens when in conflict but it's sometimes best to guide them to do it when things are calm. Especially if the person is someone in his friend group.
In adolescence we help them manage the situation on their own as much as we can. We give them our observations of their friends but allow them to choose their friends. This way they build the competency of social awareness through their experiences rather than being told what to do.