Question
My son is resisting so much. I think we are doing a good job of understanding that this is not him calculating this but it’s an override in his brain, and are working hard to offer an option for him so it feels less like a demand and more autonomous but we are still met with a kiddo that simply WILL NOT.
We have routine, we have set the expectation and it’s either eventually he does it hours later (no lie) or we force him.
For example:
Morning routine has always been- wake, play, breakfast, dress, teeth. But when breakfast is over he will hide from me even with me letting him know, “hey buddy before you start playing let’s go get this done quick, I know you have big ideas and want to work on them right away”.
He just can’t seem to redirect away from his idea even if I give options of now or in 5 minutes or similar. What to do? Let him play with dirty teeth in his PJ’s all day?
Answer
I think the lesson here is to go backwards a bit on what is happening for him. He hides to manage the BIG feelings in his body and mind that bubble up in thinking about brushing teeth.
I want you to change the goal from having him brush his teeth to helping his nervous system to go back to ventral/calm mode so he can make the decision to brush with a calm mind and nervous system.
What does that look like?
1. Find him in his hiding spot - without any words and while breathing and calming your nervous system - No calling out his name or anything just find him and get close enough where he knows that you are there.
2. Wait 20 to 30 seconds - while breathing and calming your mood and body
3. Speak by saying, “Your body, feelings, and. mind are telling you brushing teeth is dangerous - Tell me what your body feels. Tell me the feeling. Tell me the thoughts”.
This will make conscious what his actions are doing automatically.
This 1.2.3 may help him move through this sympathetic nervous system response. You may have to handle this first for at least 2 weeks consistently and then you can move on to brushing.