Question
My question is about my daughter and what seems to be anxiety manifesting in different areas of her life. In May, she developed a weird eye thing that we had checked with an EEG and it came back normal. In December the eye thing came back and we had a 24-hour EEG and that came back normal too. Within the last few weeks she has developed a full on tic where she is blinking 50 times a minute and clearing her throat quite a bit. My brother and cousin used to have a similar tic when we were growing up but it's so hard to see with my own kid. Emotionally I feel like I am doing something wrong, logically I know it's deeper but it's still hard. Another new occurrence is that she fights going to school every day and when we get there we have to race or spin or do something silly to get her to go with her teachers, then once she is with them I end up leaving her crying sometimes (the advice you gave someone yesterday on the weekly call about saying how these other people at the school are there to care for them and allow them to feel safe too was really helpful and I'll try it). When I pick her up she is happy as can be and seems to have had a great day.
At night she has gone from needing someone to help her fall asleep, to coming into my room after her first wake up and enmeshing herself into my body, which is hard when I have a baby on the other side of me. I know the tic developed to this degree once her cousins started coming so often and stirring up a lot of conflict at home which is usually a really peaceful safe environment. What do you think is going on and what should I be doing to help her feel more calm in all of these situations. Thank you!!
Answer
I really like that you ruled out the medical with the EEG, this is always good practice when a child has some sort of "medical" presentation, like eye twitching.
Since you ruled out possible medical issues, then we can stay with the hypothesis that it is an anxious response to the changes in your home. You are not doing anything wrong. She is responding to a stressful situation with stress. She is having a human response and one that is colored with her personally, which leans on anxious.
So what can you do?
When she's blinking or twitching, first wonder WHY or WHY NOW? I imagine when you ask yourself this you will have two reasons:
1 - She is focusing. Her brain is blinking as a form of a stim which is a way to focus, calm, stimulate the yummy chemical like serotonin or dopamine and it helps the brain stay present.
2 - She is mad or nervous. Her nervous system is overworked and making her eyes blink. Blinking helps the eyes hyper focus which the brain turns on when we are trying to be safe in a frightening or stressful scenario.
If the response to the question WHY or WHY NOW is that she is focussed:
Sit next to her, place a hand on her upper back and say to her "you are very concentrated. I can tell because your eyes are blinking. Lets breath together 5 times in and out because that helps you focus too" - if you do this enough times the brain will switch to deep breaths - really because it actually works better than a stim
If the response to the question WHY or WHY NOW is that she is mad or nervous:
Place a hand on her - NO TALKING - Just calm your nervous system and wait for her overwhelm to pass.
How to manage the bedtime wakefulness depends on your long term goal. If you want her to sleep on her own then it is important to walk her back to her room. If you're okay with co-sleeping, place her in your bed and again, calm your nervous system and she will be able to mirror yours and feel calm again.