Question
Our son (almost eight years old) plays soccer with a team on the weekends. His coach yells at the kids. I noticed before, but I decided to keep an eye on it, but this weekend my son was not running, and he shouted: "If you don't run, you'll go to the bench." He sent him to the bench and started imitating my son. My son entered the game again, but at the end of the game, I noticed he was sad, and I tried to speak about the topic, but he avoided it until I told him: I noticed that the coach yelled at you because you were not running. How do you feel? And he said: very angry.
I don't like the yelling since my coach yelled at me in elementary school (I'm triggered), and I always played with fear, and I don't want the same for my son. He won't continue in the same team next season, but we still have around two months and a half. I'm planning to speak with the coach. I don't expect him to change, but at least I want to put a limit. What would you recommend in this situation, and how can I help my son process this?
Thank you.
Answer
This is a great question and one that is difficult to answer.
First, yes definitely speak to the coach and the screaming but more about the mocking. The fact that he "imitated" your son doesn't sit well with me.
Also I am glad that you have noticed that this type of coaching does not match your family values and this is why you will be leaving the team. When we choose schools or after school activities we have to be certain that we can maintain teamwork with the teacher or coach, since teamwork and backing up the caregivers in our children's life is imperative for them to thrive in the settings outside of our home.
So what do you do in the meantime?
This is a great opportunity to build your son’s empathy and flexibility of thought as it pertains to managing difficult relationships. This is an important skill to build since your son will have more than one authority figure that he will not mix well with. This coach is his first teacher on how to follow direction, respect and not take personal another person's actions and mood.
What do I mean by that?
It was true that your son wasn't running. It was wrong for the coach to mock him. So what can you do as a parent to build empathy and flexibility of thought?
The conversation can go like this:
1- Empathy and information for a child not to take it personal:
Coach yelled today when you weren't running as he expected. I don't agree that he screamed but I can imagine he was feeling scared and disappointed that the team was not performing as he expected and this caused him to scream. Sometimes kids and adults don't know how to manage their feelings and they cover it up with anger.
2- Talk about his part and what to do next time:
Buddy your part in this is not running as expected. What was going on for you at that moment? What can you do next time?
3- A repeat and remind message when our children are dealing with an authority figure who is not their best:
Your coach makes mistakes and speaks harshly at all of you. That is true. But while you are a member of this team it is important to do your best no matter how the adult responds. It is more important for us to hold our sense of self and integrity no matter how others respond around us. We made a commitment to this team and we will finish. Your challenge is to continue growing as an athlete no matter how the coach reacts. If it gets too hard, no worries I am here to support you.
Here's a blog I wrote on Parenting an Athlete this can help moving forward: https://stopparentingalone.com/blog/parenting-your-athlete