QUESTION
Today at my kids annual check up, my son was super sweet and cute holding my daughter’s hand while she was afraid of having a shot. In the car I said how proud I was and that was so nice of him. As soon as I started to compliment him he said ”don’t talk about that”. It made him uncomfortable that I was complimenting him in that way. Why is it so uncomfortable to hear about something he did that was so sweet?
That also reminded me of a conversation with my daughter and son in the car in which my daughter said she was never saying nice things about her brother because that would mean “letting her guard down”. I can’t remember the specifics but it was a conversation related to them not being nice to each other and why I asked them to try to identify and tell something nice about the other (not only them but all of us in the family - the technique you recommended on a call one time to practice getting out of the negative bias mindset). We talked about how important it is to ”let your guard down” and show vulnerability for a number of reasons. That we can be strong and independent and vulnerable at the same time. Thank you!
ANSWER
Hi! What you are describing is your son managing the emotions that bubbled up for him while hearing your compliment. The feeling is embarrassed. We all feel that way when someone compliments us, the first response is "oh man they see me..." this is why so many people respond to a compliment by saying "it's not that big a deal.." A compliment can feel very vulnerable and embarrassing so young children tend to be confused by the physical response that the compliment brings and try to avoid it
Next time just predict for him, for example say "Ready son, I'm going to say nice things about you, your heart may speed up and your tummy may get butterflies, but this is how mommy is showing you love". This way the heart beating fast and the butterflies in his tummy are now associated with love.
When they say they don't want to "let their guard down..." It is why most people are not vulnerable. If we say something nice, how we are hurt, or give a difficult message to someone else, we have to be willing to expose ourselves to the uncertainty of how the other person might respond.
The simple way to manage that uncertainty is to not do it at all. This is reason 543 why punishment and criticism from authority figures does a bad number on children. When children make mistakes or break a rule and get caught they are the most vulnerable. If a child always gets responded to in a punitive way, then "letting their guard down" is bad. If they get responded to with logic, kindness and the possibility for reset and the message of "you can do better next time" they will be more willing to put their guard down.
Unfortunately, public school is still punitive. It is rewards and consequences based, rather than relational which is what you do at home. They are learning to be careful being vulnerable at school. So it is important to point out that there are settings that they are in where vulnerability can feel scary.
The lesson is to find the spaces where they can accept the uncertainty of the other person's response. They also can be certain that saying kind things to family or close friends will usually get responded to with joy or maybe a little bit of the other person feeling pride mixed with embarrassment.
Big kids. Big Lessons.
Vulnerability is a HUGE lesson, so much so Brene Brown has made a career out of it.