Question:
My 7yo son started summer camp this week. A girl there called him fat, and she and others, including one of his friends, laughed at him. He was sad about this as he is self conscious about his body and calls himself fat from time to time. We've talked to him many times about accepting his body and we've never ever said anything bad to him about his size. What's the best thing for us to tell him to do when other kids make fun of his body? Should we tell him to ignore it and walk away, or should he say something back? My husband thinks engaging is an endless pursuit because no matter what you say the other kid will say something more. I think walking away is not standing up for yourself and tells the other kid what they did is OK. Thank you.
Answer:
This is a BIG and important question because it has several themes. The two big themes are:
How to manage conflict
Insecurities and how to manage them
So, for theme one:
It is very important not to turn our children or other children into victims or perpetrators. These moments in preschool and elementary are common since all of the children are learning to be social, and how to manage feelings like jealousy, anger, frustration and disappointment. They are also learning how to manage power both in a positive and negative way. Moments like the one you explained are when we can help our children learn empathy and self-awareness.
To help them manage these difficult times, have them use the rule of three:
Use their voice and tell the person to stop
Walk away from the person
Ask for assistance
For empathy: Have him imagine why his classmate is having such a hard time being kind. Remind him and bring to his mind times when he has been mean and said or done something because he was judgmental, frustrated, disappointed, or scared. This will help your child not feel like a victim of the other children. Empathy will take away the fear of the other child because your child will understand why the other one made the mistake of judging and using mean words.
Theme number two, the discussion of our insecurities:
It is important to spotlight how being bullied is harder when bullies pick on our insecurities. It is hard to speak up and tell someone to stop when we also feel insecure about what the person has pointed out. Be clear with your child that when people are trying to feel better than someone else or want to control or have power they use our insecurities as a means to feel stronger and better than others.
Wonder with your child: What are some of their insecurities? What do you do when someone points them out? Ask them how they imagine they can get better at dealing with them.
In this example, you can talk to your child about nutrition, moving his body, making different choices, and accepting his body exactly like it is, especially if he knows that he takes care of his body in a healthy way.
The point is to let your child know that when we have an insecurity we can:
try to fix it
accept it
seek assistance to change what we are insecure about
That way, being hurt by others words or bullying will lessen.
One last point. He is also at the age where you can talk to him about the negative and the positive messages of our culture around body and weight. Talk to him about diet culture and how it convinces people that a thin body will make you happy. Tell him that, just like racism, people can and do judge others on the size of their body, and it is not kind or what your family believes. In his age group the dominant positive and negative messages from our culture need to be discussed.