As my son goes through several tests (ADHD, Ados, and who knows what’s next) he’s asking why? As of now, the only thing I’ve said to him is “we’re doing this to see if we can help you feel more comfortable and see if maybe you can get that help in therapy…” Is that the direction I should take?
If he is diagnosed with XYZ, should I not mention it to him?
Should I talk about my son to his doctor in front of him?
Question
What is the best way to handle doctor appointments when it comes to communicating with the doctor about my son, in front of him?
My son picks up on everything and is very sensitive, so my default is to want to shield him from those discussions but I also need to be able to speak openly with his doctor (not in code). I’m about to start talking to doctors about possible adhd, etc. and I am unsure what to communicate to my son about all of these what-ifs. He’s starting with an occupational therapist soon, and the OT suggested just telling him he’s going to hang out and play with her when he has a session. I think my kid is going to want a lot more information and will want to understand the why and what the goal is, but I don’t know how to communicate that to a 3.5-yr-old. I want him to embrace an “always learning,” “ongoing self improvement and practice builds confidence” kind of outlook, but without processing it as “something must be wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough” which may be his default. Thanks!
Answer
Your gut is correct on both fronts. He needs more information.
For the occupational therapy sessions the message is simple - she is helping him with his body so that when he has a big emotion or big energy he can help his body settle down.
Bring him back to the idea that his feelings are both in his body and in his mind. Let him know that if he learns the movements that the OT teaches him then, when his mind is cloudy and messy, when his big feelings come, he can just move how his OT teaches him and he can have the feeling move out of him.
At the doctor's office that is a bit trickier - If they have a play area then I would ask the doctor if he can go there and then you can speak privately. If that’s not an option then ask the doctor your questions in the same way that you talk to your son about his barriers and what he is working on. For example “doctor we are working together on helping him and his body be more settled. What do you want to tell me and him that can be helpful?”. Most doctors will pick up on the fact that you are being cautious with your son and his messages and that tends to help.
Also, get into a habit of asking your son if he has any questions about what his doctor said. Then you can clarify any information he may have picked up on that he may be defining poorly.