Question
Our almost 6yo is incredibly vivacious, social, happy, energetic, independent, constantly moving, demands attention and wants to be first for everything. He's an excellent student in school but at home he’s not listening, lying a lot and hiding things (tangible things and actions) from us.
I give him individual, dedicated attention but it’s almost never enough. I demonstrate trust and give him space to be curious but almost every time he just manages to do something that is not right such as; using Sharpies, climbing refrigerators, running away, breaking things by accident…
He runs away in beaches, malls, parks, leaving me screaming at him to stop (he won’t) and then I have to run after him leaving his brother running behind me saying 'I abandoned him'. It’s nuts. I’d rather stay home.
Why is this happening and how can we help him trust us and say the truth, listen and not run away?
Answer
1- When he comes home from school make sure he has time to decompress with something that he deems fun and pleasurable. If he is not getting in trouble at school that means he is using all his impulse control fuel at school and when he gets home he just wants to decompress.
2- Make being first concrete by creating full days where he is “first” for the day and the other day is his brother's day to be first. This will build his patience and also bring him pleasure.
3- When he lies and you know he’s lying, name and claim it. For example, “you’re telling me you didn’t break the plate because you know I will be upset. Let’s pick this up together and move on”. This is an example of how to name and claim a lie.
4- Running away is dangerous SOOO sit down with him in a calm moment and let him know that for the next three months when you are in public with him you will hold his hand no matter what since he is showing you that his impulse control to be safe in public does not work and you will help him by holding his hand.
If he does run away and you are safe and can see him, don't chase him. Instead, stop, wait, hold his brother’s hand and in a very flat way say “I know you can make a wise choice and return to us…”.
These are all examples of an inability to manage his impulse control and to try to not get in trouble for the things his lack of impulse control made him do.
Try these for 6 weeks and see if it shifts.