Question
My 5yo daughter lost her grandmother to cancer. It was a hard hit on her. They had a very special connection. Even though she did not live here, they had playtime calls together pretty much every day. After 2 long years of this pandemic, they got to see each other in person. My daughter had a great time with her for 10 days or so until she passed away while we were there. She knew her grandmother was sick but for her, since she was taking medicines and visiting the doctor, she assumed that she would be fully recovered soon. She was the one giving her medicines, massages etc, bringing her tray with food while we were there. Unfortunately after 10 nice days, my mother in law lost her battle and passed away. My daughter has had a hard time accepting all this. After 5 months now, she still says (pretty much every day if not at least twice a week) , that she is sad and that she misses her so much. It is usually in her quiet moments that she talks about her and asks us very creative questions/ideas to bring her back. For instance, today she asked us if we could get into a rocket ship to reach the stars and bring her back. Not sure if all those questions/ideas are part of her grieving or if I need to get some help for her. How long might this grieving last? It is heartbreaking to watch this. Please advise! Thank you
Answer
Everything you describe is part of normal grieving and proof of her love for her grandmother.
It is actually very healthy that she is describing her sadness and being open with you. It is evidence that you have made it safe for her to share her emotional world with you. This is also evidence of her safety in your relationship. Continue to answer her questions as you have.
I want to encourage you to move away from seeing her talking about her grandmother as something that has to stop and helping her talk about her grandmother in celebration and remembrance. The experts on grief explain that "making meaning" of a death is how we live with grief. Not the type of "meaning" that is popular in culture where people say things like "it happened for a reason". But more meaning of what did this person teach me, what did they mean to me, and what did they represent.
The next time she brings up her grandmother tell her that she may not be able to take a rocket ship to the stars to find her grandmother BUT she can close her eyes and remember moments when she was with her grandmother. She can then tell the story of that memory which will help her feel her grandmother again. Tell her grandmother will continue to live in her memory and every time she wants to be with her all she has to do is close her eyes and remember a beautiful moment with her grandmother.
I also recommend making a book of pictures with her. Pictures of her grandmother and moments that they had together. She can also draw pictures of time she spent with her grandmother. This will help her build her memories and feed that love she has for her grandmother.