Question
I registered my 16yo to go on a mission trip. He originally agreed because his college counselor strongly suggested this camp since he is already working on personal statements for his college essay. He will be 17 next month and a Senior. Now that the time has come for him to go on the mission trip (this Sunday) he is refusing to go. The camp is only 5 days but intense mission work. My 14yo and myself are going on the trip as well and he knew that initially.
His reason for not wanting to go is because he will be out of his comfort zone and his girlfriend. To me, those are not valid reasons. I also feel that the more I talk to him about it (calmly and explaining the positives) the more he resists it and is building a whole lot of anxiety. He just keeps saying "I am not going, I am not doing it". He did a similar camp when he was in 7th grade but he had a friend going and that helped back then. This time, I tried all his friends and no one could come this time, this is also part of why my 14yo and I are going. He is a great kid, extremely good, respectful, and responsible but he was diagnosed with social anxiety when he was 12. He has come a long way, has a job, a small circle of friends, plays on the Varsity soccer team at the HS, club soccer, and has a girlfriend. What do you suggest I do in this situation? Should I continue to encourage/push him to go? Or do I let him win this battle? Please help!
Answer
My recommendation is to make him aware that he may be giving up an opportunity and a trip with his family just because he is having difficulty managing his anxious responses.
Walk him through the idea that as he launches into adulthood he will have several moments like this one where his anxiety tells him not to try a new opportunity.
Let him know that it’s important to always think and process. Is this a risk worth taking and managing my anxiety for?
If he doesn’t learn to do this then his world will become very small. If he chooses comfort and safety over walking through and managing anxiety then he may have many regrets moving forward.
Challenge him to think about this trip as a lesson in making this decision for the first time.
Does anxiety win and take an opportunity from him?
Does he think this trip is worth him having to manage his anxious responses?
Don’t fix it or make the decision for him. But those are the questions he needs to answer.