Question
My daughter went boating without permission yesterday, and I saw the evidence on Instagram. I will take her phone away for a week, as she knows that is a non negotiable rule. I calmly spoke to her about it. She said she knew I'd say no to going and went anyway. Any advice?
Answer
You handled it appropriately. I would say the phone loss is an appropriate consequence and perhaps no going out with friends is an appropriate consequence. There are several themes to her choice: dishonesty, lack of impulse control (common in adolescence), and disrespect of others' feelings. Walk through those themes and ask how she would handle it next time, tell her your values and point of view in these themes and others that come up for you, and finally discuss the final message she gave you, which is her belief that you don't see her need. Work with her on how she can feel seen and supported. In adolescence, there's a lot of talking and debating WITH your child NOT talking AT your child.