Question
I’ve noticed that my 5yo son is starting to use meaner and stronger words in his vocabulary. “I hate this”, “don’t ever talk to me again’, ”you’re the worst mom”.
I know it’s when he’s frustrated and he immediately apologizes but it’s very new and very hurtful. Again, I don’t know how to address it (or ignore it) so that he not only stops, but realizes that words have consequences (in that they can hurt people).
Answer
The answer to your question is within your question.
The task at hand is that he has reached the age group where they practice AND make mistakes around social rules and social norms. So yes, teaching him about words and how they hurt others when misused is important.
Also children 4.5-8 are very concrete, black and white and this is why you have seen an increase in blanket statements like "you're the worst mom". His frustration becomes blame at WHO caused it rather than the more flexible ambiguous thought (that he does not have) of seeing all of the above and how it all happened.
So what to do:
IF he is NOT in the meltdown:
When he says something like "you're the worst mommy" you can respond with "I see how frustrated and angry you are. But be careful with the words you are using. Telling someone they are "the worst" can make them feel sad and disappointed and not want to be around you. I'm your mommy and I know how you are feeling, that is why you used it BUT work on just saying that you're frustrated."
This, you will repeat and remind thousands of times until he is closer to 8 where he will have learned about social norms and respect and managing his impulses around it.
IF he is IN a meltdown and he is using those words:
Just label the feeling, "You are frustrated". Label the word, “You are using rude words because you're frustrated”. Finally, calm his body by saying: "Lets calm your body first before we keep on speaking so we love each other rather than hurt each other".
Then silence, breathe, and calm your body and nervous system so it helps him mirror and match your nervous system. Once he is calm you can teach the lesson above.