Question
My overly curious, smart, and big feeling 4-yr-old is connecting the dots too quickly (beyond what I think others would consider “age appropriate” contemplations or discussions) on mortality. He’s really into the solar system (absorbing the bigness of the universe, our place in it, and the way numbers are used to measure time and distance); really into numbers in general, has grown up in a family where grief waves and talking about his grandfather in Heaven are the norms, and he’s growing up as an only child with an older solo parent, which seems to predispose him to doing regular inventory of his life. The combination of these factors seem to be creating a heartbreaking realization in him that every once in a while, always in the still cuddle moments before bed, have him asking questions (with voice breaking, bottom lip quivering, and eyes swelling with tears) like:
“Mom, can we be together forever?”
“Can we ask God to please let us live on Earth together forever?”
“Is one of us going to go to Heaven before the other one does?”
“That’s going to be you isn’t it since you are closer to 100 than me.”
“What’s going to happen to me if you go first?”
“And GranPatty is your mom and so she’s older than you which means she’s even closer to 100 so will she be leaving planet Earth soon?”
“If GranPatty goes to Heaven before us and then you go before me, who’s going to take care of me?”
“Mom, will I still get to go the park and eat my favorite foods in Heaven?”
It takes everything I have to hold it together as he’s now full on whimpering with tears rolling down his face, and I put a light-hearted face on, and tickle him to relax his body and say, “honey we all have a lot more living to do, try not to worry about those things, it’s a long way off, you’re just 4.”
Well, I’m obviously bungling this epically, because he fires back that I’m almost 50 which is halfway to 100 and GranPatty is more than that so NOT the far off. (Mind blown in that moment with his computing mind). These moments are usually brought on following prayer or meditation time. So, should I stop that and abort, abort, abort? (Kidding, not kidding). Is this begging for some hardcore therapy already for this kid? Is this early signs of an anxiety disorder?
How can I help him because It’s breaking my heart too.
Answer
ALL children 4-7 begin to grapple with the subject of death. This is when ALL humans begin to understand their mortality.
Of course he is doing it in his style with immense intelligence and sensitivity.
DO NOT abort meditation. It helps him to soothe that nervous system of his that causes so much chaos.
However, help him move from concentrating on the ending part of death and what happens after, to what we do while alive so when we die we are not regretful.
Next time he says, Granny is closer to 100 so she goes first you can answer with, "Yes, that's true she is closer to death than the two of us BUT Granny eats well and goes to her doctors. She makes sure that she spends time doing what she loves and with the people that she loves, that way when she dies we all know she has had a great healthy love filled life"
Let him know that yes, we all die but what is most important is to make our life healthy, joyous and meaningful.
When children begin to speak about death it is the best time to give them the intrinsic motivation for sleep, eating, exercise, and having loving relationships because now we can tell them we do all this in an effort to keep our bodies healthy and make our lives' fulfilling.