Question
I have noticed that my 4yo daughter has a VERY hard time with the feeling of rejection. The times she has broken down the biggest is because of rejection, times where her fellow friends have said - “I don’t want to be your friend anymore” “I don’t want to play” “i don’t want to sit next to you”….it has happened at playdates and that's when I notice the breakdown and very hard recovery. She is only able to compose herself when the friend that rejected her wants to play again or she is able to connect. She is usually very good with her social skills and is able to come up with solutions and share and be kind but when it comes to this she breaks down.
Help! I’ve bought books and stuff, but nothing seems to work. What do you suggest?
I have also noticed that she is starting to “reject” babies or smaller kids.
My hypothesis is that she wants to make them feel like she feels. Since she feels more “powerful” because she is older…
Answer
YES, welcome to a big developmental marker for children aged 4.5-7 years old. They are learning how to handle power dynamics, share emotions, and set boundaries.
Managing power dynamics in a relationship is crucial for developing healthy relationship skills and social awareness. Just like learning to walk, children reach a point where they are experimenting with power dynamics in all relationships. This experimentation becomes more noticeable when they experience strong emotions like anger, frustration, or jealousy.
This behavior is behind the actions of ALL of them.
Your daughter is probably feeling confused about "why" someone would reject her or not be willing to compromise. In the realm of power, she values justice and logic. She’s not getting that from the others because they are avoiding and trying to control when they practice power. By the way, congratulations on your daughter already having a great way to manage power. However, her friends are not there yet or may never be, as some people continue trying to control or avoid others well into adulthood.
What to do:
1. Sit in the dark - First, say nothing. Just hold her while she cries or says it’s not fair.
2. When her crying settles a bit - Help her understand the other child’s point of view. This helps her gain perspective and not take the other child's actions personally.
For example, “Yes, Susana did tell you she didn’t want to be your friend, but I saw that she was frustrated because she wanted to put all the furniture pieces into the dollhouse and was having a hard time sharing. Your friend is having a hard time expressing how she feels and setting a boundary. That is what all of you are learning.”
3. Help her find something else to do - Sometimes, when you do and say what I mentioned in #2, the child goes back to their friend and figures out how to play again.
“I don’t want to be your friend” usually means “I’m angry/jealous/frustrated that you won’t do what I said/want.”
It’s an immature phrase for the big social skills of setting boundaries, sharing feelings, and managing personal power.
Your daughter will deal with this from now until adulthood in different forms. It's just part of growing up.