Question
I wanted to seek your advice on how to handle a behavior with my 4.5 year old. Sometimes when he is upset, he will scowl and tighten his fist. For example, he might scowl (and sometimes accompanied with a loud argh) at his little brother if he knocks his Legos down or even at us if he is upset. Yesterday he had his first ever soccer match which didn’t go very well (I think they lost 10-2) as the other team was a touch older and better. Throughout the game I could tell he was upset/ frustrated but I also noticed he went up to his closest friends (on 2-3 occasions) with that scowl on his face to tell them something (loudly). From afar it didn’t look nice. At the moment, I thought he was complaining to them about him not getting the ball. I thought he was yelling at them. Afterward, I asked him about it and he said he was telling them something about them losing to the other team. I think I was not sure how to handle it best and told him not to scowl but I am not sure I am getting through. Thoughts?
A few more points for context.
He understands that tantrums are not nice, but I am not sure he gets how awful the scowling is. Also, I’ve been wondering where/ how he took up scowling. Sometimes when I read him a book and a character is upset I will dramatize it. There is even a book we read called The Most Magnificent Thing where a little girl is trying to invent a toy. However this takes many iterations and mistakes and along the way she gets frustrated and angry. In the pictures she has a scowl and screams. Later she gets calm and figures it all out and learns about her mistakes…. While the end message here I think was good, I am thinking in books like this I need to explain the girl overreacted. What do you think? Thanks
Answer
He is doing AMAZING!
Scowling and holding his fists tight IS the four year old way to manage anger, frustration and disappointment. He is showing you that he has enough impulse control and emotional tolerance to not go into a loss of actions or tantrums.
What he is doing is normal and please don't ask him to stop. What you can do is to continue to help him build his emotional tolerance and emotional intelligence by following these three things the next time you see him scowling and attempting to manage his difficult feelings:
1) Label what he is feeling: "buddy, you are so frustrated that your brother knocked down your Legos"
2) Praise his ability to manage his emotions with the scowl: "I see you are trying not to hit or say anything mean by holding your fists tight and not using mean words. I'm glad you are doing that so you don't hurt your brother or say something you will regret.”
3) Help him release the emotion: "buddy, now let go of your hands and wiggle your body so the tightness settles down and the frustration can pass through you. This is the way we feel better by letting go of the tension in our body by wiggling or breathing."
Step three is the hardest for all age groups. BUT the steps above are how all of us handle big emotions. We have to know what we're feeling. We have to use our self-control to sit and tolerate the feeling for a little bit. We then have to bring ourselves back by relaxing the body so the brain can follow and the emotion can pass through us.
Adults don't do this perfectly. Your son is showing us he is doing 1 and 2 pretty well. Time to celebrate rather than worry.
Keep at it!!