Question
My daughter just started 4th grade.
She is in a class with mostly new peers, only a few kids from her class last year. Her close friends are not in class with her. She is struggling a bit with the transition and feels that she has difficulty making new friends. She has a growing friendship with two girls who are closer and she often feels excluded. One of them actually said yesterday she was the third wheel.
How can I help her?
What practical tips can I give her to help her make new friendships and what advice should I give her when she is being excluded by her friends/classmates?
Answer
The best way to help her is to fill in the blank of how she’s experiencing this moment.
What I mean by that is our brain has a habit of filling in the gaps/blanks of an experience that confuses us or is uncertain. Our brain usually thinks something negative so always in conversations around friends and building relationships we have to give the child all of the possibilities.
How do you do that ?
1. Repeat her experience and interpretation “you’re disappointed that your old friends are not in your classroom and you’re nervous about making new friends”.
2. Be curious and ask her what she has already tried to do to help herself. Make sure to make her conscious of what has worked from her solutions. When we are scared or sad most of us tend to think nothing that we are doing is working. However, when we talk it out we see things are working just not as quickly as we want.
3. Give her information about what you imagine the other students are thinking and feeling such as, “It is a new school year for all. Those that have friends in the classroom may not know that you want to talk to them. Look around and see if there is another student that seems to spend time alone”.
4. Give her ways to “break the ice” in a group. Most school age kids have a hard time doing that, so do adults. It’s always hard to break into a conversation in a social setting. I always guide children into asking questions about the other person. This works because most of us like to talk about ourselves.
Hope this is helpful.