Question
My daughter will be 5 at the end of the month. I feel like the two occurrences I have questions about have a similar theme.
Last week I had her pick out her ballet outfit in the morning so that when she got dressed for dance after school in the parking lot, she wouldn’t be surprised or disappointed. So we got dressed in the outfit she picked out and she noticed her leotard had little sleeves on it…
Oh my god - full blown tantrum. So sad so upset “everyone is going to think my leotard is ugly!!!” “They are not going to like it” I asked her if she liked it and she said “no because I’ll be the only one with sleeves” so then I asked her, “well do you just want to go home?” She said no, so we went to class and her teacher was so kind and sweet and she went in with her sleeves and had a wonderful time.
Then yesterday morning we were getting ready for school and we packed her favorite meal in the whole wide world, meat sauce and noodles… I told her that was what’s for lunch and she sadly said “oh no please don’t pack that in my lunch anymore, the other kids think it’s yucky, and I don’t want to be the one with a yucky lunch“. I said, “are you sure? It’s your favorite.” She said, “thank you for making it , I’ll eat it now for breakfast but I don’t want to have it in my lunch any more.” We talked about what the kids said and how it made her feel and even with that she doesn’t want it for lunch.
It broke my heart as it is her very favorite to eat. I know social influences will happen all the time but how do I handle these things at 4/5 years old? What do I say?
I also know that life can often be a circular healing back to ourselves but how do I help my little one stay true to herself?
Answer
What your daughter is doing is perfectly normal and a phase of building a social awareness skill.
Children at her age are very concrete and with this concrete cognition they are learning social skills and social norms. They figure out how to be part of the group. They have to be the same to not get rejected or excluded. She has realized that if her food and ballet outfit are different then she will be excluded from the group. If the children are left alone without adult guidance that is exactly what happens… “you’re different so you’re out”.
So what can we do at this time to help them?
You did great asking “are you sure you want to skip the pasta?” That was respectful and wonderful.
Now just add the lesson. For example, when she says no to a shirt, shoes or food that she usually loves, you can ask her “are you sure?”.
If she says yes then you can say, “yes love, it is hard to be different from your friends because they may reject you BUT it’s important to understand that we are all different. So… what are things that can stay different about you that you can share with your friends and tell them why you like it?”
Then role play with her, you being the other kid saying, “Yuk that smells” and help her have an answer.
With places like ballet and school lunch I would say for now, it’s best to follow her lead while letting her know, “Ok I’ll let you try to be part of the group but remember don’t lose being yourself”.
This phase passes if we guide them some time around 3rd grade.