Question
I have two unrelated questions and would appreciate your advice:
1. My son has been talking a lot lately about not liking the way he looks. He sometimes looks at the mirror and says he is ugly and the other day he told me girls at school are telling him he is short. I am not sure how to help him. I have been trying to ask him what he likes and does not like about his body and telling him we all have parts of our bodies we don't like, but have not noticed this helps him at all.
2. When he is with dad and I call him, he doesn't seem to want to talk most of the time. I know dad tries to tell him it is important to talk to mom and he needs to use a nice voice (because he usually is whiny when he does get on the phone) but even if i agree it is important to talk to me in a nice way i feel bad forcing him.
Thank you for your help!
Answer
Next time he says something about body image you can respond with:
"Yes, of course it makes you sad that they are pointing out how you're not tall and I imagine it makes you feel like you don't have friends".
Then silence, let him tell you his fear, his sadness, etc. Stay in those hard feelings with him and touch and caress him while he speaks.
This is not the time to convince him or change his mind about the incident. It is time to sit with him in the dark and love him.
When he stops talking and the feeling is not as intense you can say, "well it is a hard part of our world that some people judge others based on how they look rather than what's on the inside. Like these girls are judging you because you are not tall and that is something about the outside of you... BUT you are more than your height or your looks; you also have other qualities."
Then you name character qualities that are not physical.
You will repeat and remind him of this many times until he grows and leaves your house so this is not a one and done conversation.
2. Make sure your call/facetime to him when he is at his father's house is at the same time and predictable (i.e. during breakfast or after pick up from school in the car). This will help him anticipate it and then you're not pulling him from other things he may be doing with his dad. If he is whiny just “name it and claim it, for example, "oh buddy, you're being whiny because it's hard to talk to mommy when you're with dad. Tell me one thing about your day that you think I should know ". Then wait and keep the call short.
The key is to keep the time of the call predictable.