question
Yesterday was my daughter’s first day back at school for the full day 9-4. It was a long day and the first scheduled day like that all summer. She is going through a phase where she only wears dresses. During school she got her dress very dirty. She went to get new clothes from her cubby and when she got there she noticed I packed her a bunch of beautiful T-shirts and pants (because they are clothes I figure we won’t use so they could be at school) she was SO disappointed and cried for a while at school. Many of her friends tried to help and let her borrow their dresses and other things. She finally snapped out of it when her teacher told her it was lunch time and the teacher was hungry and knew her mommy packs yummy lunches so she would eat it. She laughed and got dressed and moved on. I saw posted pictures of her happily in her t-shirt and pants. When I arrived she was clearly upset with me. Once we got down to the parking garage she let it all out! She said she needed a dress and immediately took off her t-shirt and pushed me, hit me, pulled my hair, and pretended to spit on me. She shared she didn’t like me any more and wanted a new mommy. Then she said “I just want to die” (which she says when she is really upset - what is that about?????) then she would just cry that she wants her mommy. Even through I was there
She wouldn’t get in her car seat and her sister was crying. It was epic.
I said, “I love you, those are unkind words. I need you to get in your seat or I have to help your body.”
I was very overwhelmed by the whole thing. I tried to stay calm to mirror calmness for her but I have an ongoing worry that I am doing a bad job at these moments. Then she just kept yelling. Lots of people were looking and then I just picked up her body and said, “I love you and it’s time to go home”. She screamed, I buckled her in and she fell asleep.
Was she just tired?
What was that all about?
Why does she say she wants to die?
Am I messing her up? Help!
I am reading the book mother hunger - it’s not about parenting but I have an inner dialogue worrying that I am doing a horrible job parenting and she is going to have mother hunger when she is older…
Answer
Hard one for both of you.
Her response was a response of disappointment and anger with your mistake.
All normal human responses to her need to express her individuality by wearing a dress. (this answers what was that all about).
You handled it beautifully and respectfully, even when you helped her get in the car. The next time you make a mistake just tell her, "of course you are disappointed and angry with mommy, I forgot to pack a dress and remember how important it is to you. Mommy made a mistake. We all make mistakes. The best part is when we make a mistake we get to do it better the next time. I will do better next time. Then add the bit about unkind words. When we are the cause of the disappointment we clean up our side first and then give the lesson to the child second.
Now to answer your questions directly:
Was she tired?
Yes, definitely, and may have caused the bigger outburst BUT I would expect an under 5 year old to give you cold shoulder or ask you 100 questions about "why you forgot" especially a child that is used to being safe and cared for. It was so weird for her not to have what she needs because you are responsive to her most of the time. This is a good thing....
Why does she say she wants to die?
She may have heard it as an expression of overwhelm somewhere. Our popular culture uses that line often and we are so used to it we miss it. Also, 4 year olds do all of a sudden have questions and interest in the topic of death. It is the first time in the human experience when we recognize that we are mortal.
Are you messing her up?
No, you are not messing her up. She is feeling and shares how she feels. She is independent and tells others what she needs and loves. Short term it's hard to deal with. Long term it makes her a strong adult. Continue to work on your own experience with disappointing others and feeling as though they will leave, hate, or disconnect from you. Your fear is yours. Your daughter loves you for who you ARE not what you DO. All children love their parents unconditionally...its what saves them or breaks them.