Question
In my son's transition from one school to another, his relationship with his Dad has deteriorated.
My son refused to go to his home, see him or talk to him. When forced, he engaged in fight or flight, refused to eat, yelled and refused to come out of his room at his dads.
Dad has allowed him to stay with me for the last three weeks, hoping that giving him time would help.
My son says he doesn't even want to try to rebuild his relationship, he does not want to talk to him or see him even if he isn't sleeping over there. His perspective is that he has no good memories with Dad, that all he remembers of him is Dad calling him names, picking on him or accusing him of stealing. He has made comments like "Dad doesn't care about me or know anything about me, he only cares about being right."
Today I talked to him a bit about it. I explained that he does have good memories with Dad too, but his brain is focused on the bad ones because they hurt his feelings and our brain is designed to keep us from being hurt, so it remembers these hurtful things over the good memories.
I have suggested maybe he starts small with making new memories and building a new relationship with Dad little by little. I asked him to think about something fun he might want to do with Dad or ice cream, dinner, Dave and Busters...I also asked him to make a list of things he wants from Dad so we can talk to Dad about it. I have said things like, I think you do want a relationship with Dad, I do think it hurts you and I can help you build that. I have told him Dad is hurting too and that he is giving him the space and not being the old Dad of forcing him to come over to be better for him.
I am at a loss how to help them with this relationship or at least get my son to the table. I've told him I would sit with the two of them or they could go to a therapist together and the therapist could work with Dad about being better and asked him to think about what he would like to do. Please help! I'll pass on the tips. Thank you!
Answer
Everything you have done is amazing.
Dad is the one that also needs to understand how your son is experiencing this moment. The same information and guidance you gave your son also needs to be given to his father.
I would ask Dad to make a list just like your son, of times he remembers of feeling love and fun with his son
Then sit with your son and see if any of their memories match.
Also in this break they are taking I recommend that they write to each other in a “let’s make peace” journal rather than talking so they can both have the time to read. Pause. Reflect and connect.
It has to come from both sides. It will take time.