Question
We have had a pretty good routine for a very long time with both kids even though our evenings are a bit hectic; we manage to stick to it and both kids are in bed on time each night. But we as parents are not getting enough down time in the evenings and we are both feeling it.
We divide to conquer; each of us with a child at bedtime and switch off.
We still lie with our son (age 6.5) until he is asleep. We got away from this for a while but he seems to need this connection time even though he is getting that time with us in other moments. Sometimes we are in his room 30-40 min. He listens to an audiobook until he’s out and we switch to binaural beats. The few nights we have tried to remove this crutch I watch him on the camera and he’s quietly crying, sad and I can see he’s not feeling the love.
With our younger son (age 2.5), we sit next to his bed. We never ever lay with him (lesson learned) and hold his hand until he is asleep. Again this takes SO LONG. Sometimes an hour! He naps for two hours a day and sleeps 10 hours a night.
I am concerned that if we remove this moment of connection at this time it will be rough for them as we are moving in the next 6 weeks and with that, will come so many changes for both kids. Right now, our youngest is testing a lot of boundaries and vacillating between wanting independence and needing to be the baby and voicing as much.
For our oldest he is working on his big feelings around all the changes coming his way. Some days better than others. Therapy is healing for him but his connection cup always seems empty.
I should add that I am hiring a nanny and this is another big first for my youngest who is not in school and has always been just with me.
I’m going to create a book for him to help him process this change but again, it’s more change.
In sum, can we stop staying with them until they fall asleep?
I am stuck between feeling like they need a little extra support right now and our own mental health.
And if we do, what does that look like respectively?
Answer
My recommendation is always to leave night time as the LAST place to expect independence for children. Before we get away from that warm, loving intimate moment at bedtime it's important to see all the times in the day time where they are still not independent and work on those times first.
This is especially true of a person like your oldest who is beginning to learn and manage his emotional world without going into full tilt.
Should you lay with him?
No, I would say that is what you need to work on today. Doing what you do already with the audible and all BUT not laying with him, just be near him.
It is not a good idea to lay down with a child IF you don't plan to co-sleep.
Sorry that I don't have an answer that helps you sleep....