question
I am starting to struggle a lot lately with my 11 year old boy. He has always been very affectionate with me and lately he has stopped doing it.
There is a girl at school with whom he talks with a lot on the iPad and that girl has a reputation for being a problem. He doesn't know that I get on his iPad (because he still doesn't have a phone) and check his conversations. I don't like the way that girl treats him in their conversations at all. I feel like he's taking out his frustrations on me and as much as I try to tell him to be careful with that girl but he won't listen to me. I also can't tell him that I get on his iPad since I'm taking away his privacy by doing so. Also, he doesn’t seem to trust me with that topic because I will ask him when we sit down and I am giving him a massage to open up and he does not tell me anything about the electronic conversations that I am reading on his iPad. I know children change and he is a preteen but he has always been an extremely happy and loving child.
Never experienced this kind of situation with my other 13-year-old son.
What do you recommend to me?
Answer
About the girl, it is not a good idea to turn any child into a victim or a perpetrator. Whether it is another child or our own children.
What is most important with friendships and helping our children manage relationships is to talk things through.
BUT also stay out of it.
I know this is not what you want to hear. However, it is part of growing up to manage and maneuver around the difficulties of friendships, gossip and "drama" at school.
Instead of telling him to be "careful" with the girl, tell him why he should be careful BUT in a broad way. For example you can say:
"Sometimes we try to make another person understand us or agree with what we have to say. But it is important to learn and wonder how many times we have tried and failed with another person and wonder if we still want to be close friends with them, do you have anyone in your life like that? How about that "girl" I'm always warning you about? What do you like about her? How is it hard to be her friend? What have you tried?"
This is a more broad and open dialogue rather than telling him what to do.
This way he learns to be a friend rather than avoiding "problems" and he can learn to process them.
Now on to you:
You are making a mistake reading his conversations on the iPad and not telling him. I don't recommend hiding that you are doing it.
Part of raising a digital citizen is to guide them into making good choices and being safe.
IF you want to continue reading his texts and looking into his history then TELL him you are randomly doing that.
It is perfectly okay to look through our children's electronics. ACTUALLY it's a safety standard.
But it's not okay to do it in secret.
Every major corporation lets their employees know that their digital content is corporate property and they sift through emails. There is nothing private about the digital world, for adults or for children.
So let your son know that as he grows and as part of your responsibility to take care of his digital safety, you will be randomly reading his texts, checking his device, etc.
He will hate it BUT it's better than doing it in secret.
One parent I know said something amazing to their kid, "do no put anything on a digital device if you are not willing to put it up in a big sign at the front of your school with your face on it."
I love this direction! It's exactly right.
This is true for children and adults. We all should learn how to speak on texts, social and email to be our best self.
Tell him you are reading...