Question:
So, I’m having a bit of a hard time communicating with my 8 year old. Lately, when something “bad” happens, such as bad behavior at school, or a bad time at taekwondo with another kid, I find out about it from the teachers. When I ask him about it he just says he doesn’t want to talk about it.
The first time I let it go, but the second time I told him that he didn't have to talk but I was gonna talk and he could chime in. I started off by telling him that I also didn’t like talking about yucky feelings, but that at the end it made me feel better, and if I didn't talk about those feelings then they would bubble up inside me and eventually explode like a volcano - and that wasn’t good.
Then I talked about the actual issue and asked him questions - some he answered some he didn't. And then I brought up other similar situations that we had already gone through. I really tried my best, but I’m not sure I got through to him… how do I make him open up? Am I doing the right thing by talking even though he asked me not to? Help!
Answer:
This was perfect, and this is ALL you should expect from him. Please remember that when we talk to our kids about a mistake, a big feeling incident or conflict with us, they FEEL the feelings they felt originally ALL over again. This is the reason why they avoid or try not to talk about it.
Your little one also has ADHD, and when an ADHD brain gets flooded with emotion it has a hard time putting things in order and using the upper cortex, the thinking brain, to engage.
So, slow down, make sure you tell him "you are not in trouble. I love you and I am curious to know your side of the story since your teachers only told me their's", THEN ask questions and talk to him and give him your loving lessons.
Will he open up and tell you his deepest feelings? No. Does he know what he was feeling when he made the mistake? No, probably not. Your conversation with him helps him process and make sense of what may have been going on for him. Slow and steady wins the race. You will have thousands of these conversations until he leaves your home. It's never one and done.