Question
I recently enrolled my son in preschool for the first time and today was his second day . He was very sad because he said one of the teachers did not give him a sticker. I asked the teacher and she mentioned that he did not want to participate in one of the language class activities so at the end the kids that participated got stickers and since he did not participate he did not get one. Well, that did not sound to progressive to me . It was very challenging for me to pick the right school for my son and I did not want him to go into a traditional school so I put him in a private progressive school thinking that it would match what we are doing at home with him. I never use rewards as a way of having him behave in a certain way. And I am constantly reading and learning how to use conscious discipline at home. That is why now I am having doubts about this school and about the teachers being trained in conscious discipline. What do you recommend I do?
Answer
This example is not about progressive or not. It's about classroom management and children learning to be in a group.
The teacher is following a rule of conscious discipline which is to allow the child to make independent choices AND also allow for natural consequences.
They allowed him to choose not to participate in the language class AND the natural consequence was not getting the sticker that is part of the class activity.
It's sad and disappointing for him, yes, but it is the result of his choice. It's a lesson in cause and effect.
This will happen often in school and it's part of learning how to be one of many. The good news is that he was not shamed or forced to join.
No matter where you go, teachers have to place the group above the individual. It is the constant dilemma of classroom teachers and especially preschool teachers. The group chose to follow the activity, your little one did not. Those that follow get the end result, yours did not so no end gift.
Do I think she should give stickers? no
Should she give praise and high fives? yes
Would your son be given the praise and the high five? No, because the lesson of choosing not to be part of the group would be lost.
So how can you help him?
Let him know that all of our choices have cause and effect. Let him know that the stickers were for the children who participated in the activity. Let him know that you understand if he wasn't ready to join in but if he chooses to stay out of the activity then he won't get what the group gets since he is not participating
Say this very matter of fact and then get curious with him why he did not want to participate with the group. Let him know that he is working on learning how to be one of many and in the classroom being one of many means that he participates in the activities the teacher presents. You will repeat and remind this often ALL the way to high school. I promise.