“In my family I am the parent that spends the least amount of time with the children. Given that I am a parenting expert, the irony is laughable. However, this reality offers me insight into being the second caregiver and assuming a role incongruous to the value system of our society in which mom is the primary caregiver.”
What the Research Tells Us
Long term effects
Adult daughters of employed mothers are more likely to be employed, more likely to hold supervisory positions if employed, work more hours, and earn higher wages than daughters whose mothers stayed home full time (Kathleen McGinn, 2015)
Sons raised by working mothers spend more time caring for family members than men raised with stay-at-home moms (Kathleen McGinn, 2015)
Daughters raised by working mothers spend less time on housework than women raised with stay-at-home moms (Kathleen McGinn, 2015)
Children whose mothers work do as well academically as children with stay-at-home mothers (Lucas-Thompson et al, 2010)
Having parents/mothers that work outside of the home has no effect on the self-reported happiness of adult daughters and sons
Short term effects
Across multiple studies young children of employed mothers are higher achieving and have fewer behavioral problems than young children of mothers who are not employed (Kathleen McGinn, 2015)
Working mothers spend six hours less per week in unstructured play than stay-at-home moms (Hsin & Felfe, 2014)
No significance was found in difference in time spent in educational and structured activities between working and stay-at-home moms (Hsin & Felfe, 2014)
For women with college degrees, the research shows that work hours have no significant effect on their time with children, but for high school educated women and below, work hours do reduce the time spent with their children- Children in this group are the most vulnerable as it pertains to cognitive deficiencies
Children with working mothers spend more time with fathers and/or second parents in both structured and unstructured play
The Barriers
Your gender biases
Both men’s and women’s attitudes around gender and gender roles predict the division of labor in the household, but women’s gender attitudes are especially important in maintaining an equitable division of labor
Your guilty feelings creating a loop of expectations for yourself, others who help with care, and your children
Mismanagement of time-unequal workload
Married heterosexual women have an extra seven hours of household work per week. A heterosexual woman saves a man one hour per week (Medina, 2010)
Negative bias – your brain’s neutral
Lack of self-care and not asking for help when needed
The Solutions
For your Child
Hug or touch your child at least 10 times a day
Turn off technology when you interact (i.e. meals, car, playing with them)
Welcome ALL of their emotions –empathize & listen
Maintain a routine that is predictable and consistent – this helps the child predict when they will be with you or without you
Spend quality time with your child- rather than quantity.
Quality time is defined as time spent with child with undivided attention, when the child experiences your whole presence. No cell phone. No laundry. No talking to other people around you besides the children
Use daily tasks (e.g. Dinner, bath time, bedtime) as moments of quality connection with your child
Read together often
Bedtime give time for the child to speak to you and to snuggle (it can be as short as 10 minutes)
Children over six can be given chores and tasks at home. This allows them the opportunity to experience the responsibility of household chores and being part of the family by being of service to the family. Then the household chores become less of a burden for them and for you.
If children are under seven (1st grade & younger) decrease extra-curricular activities and replace with spending time together in unstructured play with children
Help your child understand they are one of many
Develop an empathy reflex with your child- This is done by describing the feeling you think you see in someone else and make a guess as to where it came from. Do this for your child and around your child.
Be clear on your values around work life and family life. Then children can make sense of the time you spend at work and model their behavior with yours.
Find quality child care services – licensed, educated in social emotional development (especially in the first five years of child’s life), share your family values and consistency in rules and routines
With Your Team of Caregivers
Be clear on gender attitudes and the roles you feel match each gender with kids/partner/other caregivers or parts of team. Parents are the primary source of transmittal of information on gender rules and roles (Kathleen McGinn, 2015)
Be clear and mindful on the division of labor between you and parent/caregiver #2
Divide based on: Strengths, Availability and Self-care - the division does not need to be “fair” or “even”
Add specific times in routine when children are with second parent/caregiver #2.
Make it a routine, and this helps the self-care of primary caregiver
Choosing Quality Care for your Children
Be clear that their rules and values coincide with the rules and values of your home and family.
Identify the time it will take to drop off and pick up your child from school. Think about whether it is better to have it near your work or your home. This is different for each family but important to keep it in mind. Trying to get to a school that is too far away from home or work is something that can cause many issues at home and school.
Make sure the ratio of teacher to students is low. Small classes are better for children under three years old.
NAEYC, the national organization for preschools, recommends these averages. The class of babies under 15 months must have an average of 1 teacher for 3 babies.
MDCP-S average 17 students per one teacher. For a kindergarten classroom, this can be very large in size for children that are “shy” and/or leader- curious types.
Always verify that the daycare center has all the necessary licenses and can operate in your city, county and/or state. The NAEYC organization is a good place to start looking for day care centers in your city.
Make sure the rules and routines of the day are based on knowledge and awareness of child development and that they are consistent.
Ask them to explain to you how your child's day will be organized and the reasons why they have decided to create that routine and curriculum.
Make sure the teachers and/or the lead teachers have advanced education in the care of young children. Ask if they have continuous training. Ask them about their teacher’s professional development to make sure they have been given child development training
Make sure they give you access to the school and your child. Quality schools tend to give you opportunity to be a volunteer or part of the parent association. When schools do not give you access you have to question their reasons.
Find out what methods are used to discipline children individually/in the group, especially when there has been a conflict between students. Make sure they match your discipline style and what you do at home
If for some reason you do not feel safe at school, do not question yourself. Take it as a quality hunch and look for another school
Resources of Information for Ideas on Gender Attitudes
https://www.rebelgirls.co/ "Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls”
http://www.jacksonkatz.com/ -For Boys
https://www.datesafeproject.org/ -For Both Sexes, Topics on Consents, Dating etc.
Resources of Information for Ideas on Play
Resources of Finding Quality Care/Schools
