Parenting the Personality your Child was Born With
In social situations, how would you describe the way you interact?
Have you always been this way or has that changed through time?
In social situations, how does your child interact, if left unassisted?
Hold these questions in mind as you go through this handout to discover what may be your temperament and your child’s temperament style.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND IT
Personality is influenced by temperament. Temperament is a child’s way of typically reacting emotionally and behaviorally to external events.
Jerome Kagan, psychological researcher best known for studying temperament, discovered by enrolling 500 children in a study that spanned their life from infancy to adolescence. He found that he could place these kids into two buckets, the low-reactives that took most external events in stride and attentiveness, and the high-reactives that tend to have strong reactions to their external world whether it is high emotion or avoidance. The study also showed that most of the children remained with this temperament until adolescence.
Parenting, experiences, and reactions to the child by others will influence whether the temperament style becomes adaptable and part of personality or an issue for the child (i.e. anxiety, impulsivity, difficult behavior).
Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess studied another set of 400 children and found 9 different ways to look at temperament. They knew these were difficult for parents and professionals to hold, so they combined the traits to three types of temperament: Easy - Slow to Warm - Difficult.
The temperament researchers discovered that one of many factors that help children thrive is for parent and child to have “good fit,” Meaning that parents adjust their expectations, rules and responses based on how children naturally respond to emotion and external influence-their temperament style.
When there is a “bad fit” meaning your temperament and their's collide, it is the parent's responsibility to put their own traits aside and sooth the child based on what best fits for the child’s temperament.
The “good fit” form of parenting has withstood the test of time up to this point. Neurologists and geneticists are now attempting to research the biology behind temperament.
Temperament is not a destiny; it can be managed and maneuvered.
WHAT ARE THESE TEMPERAMENT STYLES AND HOW DO YOU PARENT THEM?
High Reactive Temperament
The Active type sometimes called "difficult" or “Leaders”
Physical Traits:
Eating: Picky eater, limited range of food
Sleeping: Irregular sleeper, resists bedtime
Energy Level: Constantly moving
Social Traits:
New Situations: Negative, rejects new situations, easily overstimulated
Change: Fights change, stubborn, feisty
Friends: Shy, timid, may not like groups
Cognitive Traits:
Attention Span: Short, quick to give up if frustrated, easily-distracted
Learning Style: Gives up easily, inattentive, can’t sit still, easily-distracted
Parenting Tips to keep in mind for this temperament
Prevention is key when it comes to a difficult temperament; make sure they are fed and have slept well
Maintain a strict routine
Always address their goal and emotional state first before setting the boundary or consequence
Screaming and high reactivity does not work with this temperament and will escalate their negative behavior and feeling states
The observant type often called "slow to warm, introverted,shy"
Physical Traits:
Eating: Can be fussy
Sleeping: Uneven, if stressed sleep is affected
Energy Level: Variable
Social Situations:
New Situations: Initial withdrawal, shy, timid, needs time to adjust
Change: Needs time to adjust but adapts
Friends: Needs time to feel comfortable
Cognitive Traits:
Attention Span: Inconsistent but can concentrate if interested
Learning Style: Can be slow to focus, but then persistent
Parenting Tips to keep in mind for this temperament
Be conscious of the time it takes your child to “feel comfortable” joining in (usually 5-10 minutes)
Do not push to join in or move more quickly, narrate how they are “observers” and stay away from labeling them as shy
Give them space and time whenever possible
Maintain a steady and predictable routine as much as possible
Low Reactive
Physical Traits:
Eating: Flexible, open appetite
Sleeping: Regular “can set a clock by her”
Energy Level: Low/Average
Social Traits:
New Situations: Positive, outgoing, easy going
Change: Flexible, adapts easily to change
Friends: Outgoing, many friends
Cognitive Traits:
Attention Span: Calm, cheerful, positive, cooperative
Learning Style: Focused, persistent, sits quietly
Parenting Tips to keep in mind for this temperament
Maintain a routine, as often as possible
Prevent discomfort by making sure they are fed and have slept
Do not rush them
Narration of their day, feelings and situations works well for this temperament when dealing with difficult behavior.