“Your child is a person to understand, not a problem to solve””
What the Science Tells Us
The Brain and Behavior
The connection between non-verbal and verbal communication in the brain is a long term process happening between 0 – 4.5 years of life, hence the ability to verbally label an emotion is non-existent and is often the cause of the challenging behavior
Children feel the physiological characteristics of emotion(tight throat, sweating, tense muscles) before they know what those responses are, often the true culprit of challenging behavior
Neuro-scientists understand that emotional regulation and cognition to make decision with said information does not finish developing until about 25- 30 years of age. The foundation for this activity in the brain is set primarily between 0-3 years old.
Children between 5-7 years old have concrete thinking. When they see themselves as “bad” they may defend against which can be experienced by an adult as oppositional or difficult behavior.
The brain develops from bottom to top and right to left. Each hemisphere having a different process and function. The task in parenting and in the full development of the brain is for all areas to work together.
What creates Challenging Behavior
Development
Lack of Emotional Intelligence
Lack of Consistency and Routine
Lack of Teamwork between Caregivers
Their constant need to finish Circles of Connection with their Caregivers
The Primary Social Emotional Skills to Attain to follow rules:
Frustration Tolerance
Delay of Gratification
Impulse Control
Empathy
Social Reciprocity
The Feelings to tolerate to follow rules are:
Frustration
Disappointed
Sad
Patience
Fear
Parenting and Behavior
When parents are not on the same page or respond differently to their children they cause confusion and challenging behavior in the child
Parents often speak too long and with complicated messages causing a child to misunderstand and act out behavior rather than ask about their confusion
Attempting to “fix, avoid, or distract” an emotional outbursts creates most if not all of the challenging behavior in children. For example if your child is persistent about what they want/need and you “sometimes” give in to their wishes because “you’re done” then by default you have created this pattern of behavior
·All children, in particular, children under the age of 5 will “show” you how they feel rather than “tell you”. When your child displays difficult behavior wonder what is the behavior telling me, rather than why are they behaving this way?
Children need to connect to the parent to understand that they are seen, safe, and soothed. Turn the phrase “they need my attention” to “they need my affection” most behavioral issues will lessen
Prevention with Routine, Rules and Rituals
Children understand time and feel safe when they can predict and know what comes next. Set up a routine that you follow most days than not and most behavioral problems will lessen.
Time- not so important - it is about the sequence of the routine rather than the time of day. Here is an example of typical day routine for children under 3:
Awake
Breakfast
Outside play/walk
1st nap
Floor time play/book
Lunch
Play/activity
Afternoon nap
Play/activity
Dinner
Bedtime Routine
Here is an example of typical day routine for children over 4:
Awake
Breakfast
School/Activity on the Weekend
Lunch (Weekend)
Homework/Play/activity/Family time
Quiet moment (Weekend)
Dinner
Bedtime Routine
The basics eating and sleeping
Most of the time behavior is linked to sleep deprivation and hunger
Most children need to eat every three hours, make sure they are having meals and snacks throughout the day to keep them from feeling hungry. Some nutritionists agree that a diet high in protein and vegetables can help children remain leveled and less hyper. Visit this website for great tips on eating: www.yourkidstable.com
A child is sleep deprived when they have not had the allotted time needed for their body and neurology to recoup
Sleep statistics (primary source Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s research and zerotothree.org):
0-4 months
Most newborns 0-4 months will sleep a total of 16-17 hrs. in a 24 hour period with the longest sleep period being 4-5 hrs. If your under-4-month-old has a consolidated night time sleep of 4-5 hours, they are sleeping through the night.
Do not expect predictable sleep patterns before 4 months
4-11months
Sleep a total of 14-15 hours in a 24 hour period
Take 2-3 naps, lose 3rd nap around 9 months, daytime sleep totals 3-4hours
Sleep approximately 11 hours a night
Most wake up at night to feed 2 times. No need for feeding after 9 months. This is different if breastfed and in the family bed, as those babies eat, sometimes without waking, at night indiscriminately
1-2 y.o.
Sleep a total of 12.5-14 hours in a 24 hour period
82% of 1 y.o. have two naps lasting about 3.5 hrs. total
56% of 2 y.o. have one nap lasting 1.5-2 hours total
26% of children wake up at night at least 3 times a week
20% of children wake up at night five or more times per week
Consolidation of sleep is not yet learned at this phase
3-6 y.o.
3-5 y.o. sleep a total of 11 to 12.5 hours in a 24 hour period
5-6 y.o. sleep a total of 11 to 12 hours in a 24 hour period
91% of 3 y.o. still have one nap lasting 1.5-2 hours
50% of 4 y.o. have one nap and 25% of 5 y.o. nap;
naps are usually gone by age 6
7-12y.o.
Sleep a total of 9 to 12 hours in a 24 hour period
Most go to sleep later than their younger friends ranging from 7:30-9 pm
When Stuck in a Daily Repetitive Behavioral Issue:
ASK Yourself:
What is their goal?
What do they gain from the behavior?
How often have they attained their goal with this negative behavior?
Change your response
Handling Loss of Control or Reactive behavior:
CALM DOWN
Pause – Breathe and calm yourself first. Never meet their energy, your energy needs to be soothing and slow.
Narrate and label feeling (you're very frustrated, let's take a moment to settle down before we continue)
Empathy and responding by stating you understand what they are feeling cuts down reactive behavior by almost 60%
Go silent and stay near by – look at the clock – tantrum can take anywhere between 1.5 to 20 minutes
If child is in a safe space let them stay where they are
It is not advisable to leave a child alone while in a tantrum
If you need to move them to safety, narrate what you will do to them and their body while moving them (ie. “I’m going to move your body to put you in a safe space until you feel better”)
If your child is hurting you or others you can hold them BRIEFLY, again narrating what you are doing and why you are doing it (“you’re angry its not okay to hit mommy)
CONNECT
Once the reactivity starts to lose intensity
Give them the option to be held or to be near by
For some children, being held while in a tantrum feels constraining
They feel the ambivalence of wanting to be comforted but also attempting to assert their autonomy, hence the loss of emotion
REASON WITH THEM
When calm and in your arms or near by
Describe BRIEFLY what just happened including
What they felt
What they wanted that you stopped
What to do next time
Later (bedtime, bath-time, dinner), during a quiet moment, narrate and tell the story of the reactive behavior by:
Describing what happened
Labeling the different feelings the child showed &/or expressed
Giving ideas on how to handle situation “next time”, if child is over 3.5 ask them “how can we solve your problem, next time” giving them autonomy to come up with their own solutions
When to seek professional opinion
If child is older than 5 and you have implemented these strategies consistently for at least 6 weeks and there is minimal change
If child seems to seek or avoid sensorial experiences (ie. Spinning, not sitting still, covering ears to sound) and parent has observed that reactivity is triggered by this
If the child has experience major loss, changes, or out of the ordinary events that the entire family is still attempting to manage and process
Do Time Outs Work? watch to get the answer